Half way there

I am finally 20 weeks and half way. Although it doesn't quite count I guess as I know that I will probably be late. I just have a feeling. I am getting excited for next week to find out what I am having though. I am still thinking boy. I think it will be a huge shock if it is a girl. It won't be a bad thing at all though just not what I am expecting to hear. I should say read. Tony won't be able to go to the appointment so I have already told the doctor that she has to write it down and seal it in an envelope and then I can take it home and we can read it together. I will have to get her to sign the outside of the flap though cause I am bad at not being able to wait and checking for myself even though this is something we have to do together.
I had my ultrasound on Monday and it was great. The last time I was there was to tell me that not everything had passed from my miscarriage and that I would need a D&C so it was nice to get good news. It was so great to see the baby moving and waving. Tony really enjoyed seeing the heart beating away. He even wondered if we could get one of those machines at home so he could look at it often.
My life has gotten easier a bit after my uncles passing but it is still hard. I cry over the smallest things that would never have done it to me before. To make things worse my grandpa did have pneumonia and the also found lung cancer that has spread. He never smoked but unfortunately in those days everyone else did and in buildings that he was in. I went to visit him on Monday and walked right by his bed and didn't recognise him at all. At least Tony did so I didn't look like a total idiot. It is hard to see him like that cause he was always such a proper man that stood to greet you and everything. Now I just go and sit and hold his hand cause it is hard for him to talk sometimes. I think the hardest thing for me is knowing that these 2 men will never get to meet my baby. I know my uncle is up there watching out for it though. I know that my other grandpa will be there with him to have a drink when it is born and my grannie and grandpa will be together then and they all will be like angels for my child as well as Tony's grandparents, some of whom will become great grandparents for the first time. Oddly I feel that children probably see ghosts and maybe they will all come to visit and my child will get to meet them just not be able to tell us about it. I know it sounds weird but I think that imaginary friends are real to the child but so many people telling them that they aren't real make them start to believe it themselves. I don't' know if i am right or not but I just feel that my baby will meet this important people to us and know that they are there.

What I have done.

Okay Kort I decided that I was bored at work and I could have fun with this. Lets see if anyone else does it as well!


You're supposed to "bold" what you have done.
1. Started your own blog (duh)
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower (goes with #2)
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (obviously...those are mental health days)
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight ( every year at the lake)
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle ( didn't like this though)
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible (not in one sitting, but yes...)
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous - or infamous?
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby (I can highlight this one in a few more months)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Life is so unfair

This has to be one of the hardest weeks so far in my life and it is only Tuesday. About 2 weeks ago my dad went up to the lake to do some work at the cabin. My uncle who lives up there was on the excavator helping him and doing fine work. He was feeling tired and was throwing up while he was there. He had a doctors appointment planned for the Thursday on the island. The left early on the Wednesday thinking that maybe they could get in sooner. A month ago he had a full work up and blood work and everything came back normal so they were thinking it may be the flu but possibly something else. By Friday my mom had filled me in that they had found cancer on his liver but that wasn't his primary site and more testing was being done to find the primary. The specialist was coming Monday to let them know. Tony and I figured we would go over this upcoming weekend or next to visit him. We were at a paintball tournament all weekend and couldn't go over earlier we figured. By Saturday my parents made the plan that we should all go over on Monday as he wasn't doing to well. Tony took the day off work as well and we got up very early to make the 7am ferry. So 7 of us and 2 dogs piled into my dads truck and off we went. Unfortunately we were too late to say goodbye. He passed away just before we all got there. His 2 daughters and my aunt were there with him though so I think it was as it should be. He was only 61 and way to young to die. I really wanted to help with something and do something for my cousins and my aunt but instead I was sent home. That meant my whole family had to go. At first I felt really upset that just because I was pregnant I was being treated like I wasn't able to help. I have gotten over this as that wasn't what it was. This baby is now very important to them as it is life and they need that now. I think one of the hardest parts for me was knowing Tony cried. I have seen him through the deaths of 3 grandparents and the miscarriage and never seen him even have any emotion. I know my uncle was special to him but I just didn't expect to see him like that. He was one of the few who was able to go up to my uncle after and touch him and say goodbye. I know that he went to the island to say his good byes but I am so thankful he was there for me too. We came home on the 11 ferry and we came straight home as he had strict instructions from my aunt to take care of me. When we got home we found out that my grandpa had fallen and was being admitted to the hospital for possible pneumonia as well. I don't think my aunt can deal with all of this now she already lost her husband she doesn't need to lose her father as well. I am usually pretty good at keeping my emotions in check but now it just isn't working. I went to the liquor store to buy some rum for Tony and saw the Crown Royal which was my Uncles drink and burst into tears. I don't know if the staff knew what to do with me. I just can't believe he is gone. We only just had the last 5 years or so that we got really close to him and got to spend time with him. I can't imagine what my aunt and cousins are going through. I want to help them and yet there is nothing I can do but look after my baby for them. Life just isn't fair, 61 year old men that are in shape and healthy aren't' supposed to die in less than 2 weeks from feeling okay to gone. I don't know what I am going to do without him, and I don't know how to help my aunt or cousins who are probably thinking the same thing to more extremes.

RIP Lance Geary. I love you and will miss you!

Life is good

Today I went for my 17 weeks appointment. I was nervous that she was going to comment on my weight gain, or lack there of. I haven't gained a pound. I actually lost 2 in the first trimester and haven't gained any since. I was also hoping that I would finally get to hear a heartbeat. I can feel my uterus but I wasn't sure where the top of it was yet. My BP was great for me. A little low for most people, it was only 98/62, but for me that is pretty good. Then she measured my uterus which I hadn't had done before and I was measuring exactly 17 weeks. The reason I hadn't found the top of my uterus is because it was right under my belly button and I wasn't looking up that high. I have a small torso so she said I might bulge out more. I haven't seen any bulging yet though. Then she got the doppler I was pretty nervous about it though and she laughed and said it would be fine. It was GREAT. As soon as she placed the wand on my stomach it was loud and clear. She didn't even have to move it around at all. It was a perfect regular 132. I think my instincts will be right and it will be a boy. I couldn't believe I was finally hearing it. I was so happy, then I felt bad that Tony didn't get to hear it. She then asked if i had felt movement yet and I didn't think I did. So she pressed on one side of my stomach and you could hear on the doppler the baby move to the other side. She then pressed again and asked if i felt anything. I told her I felt the little gas bubbles move to the other side and she told me that I was feeling the baby. I may not feel it again for a while she said but now I know what to feel for. It was the best appointment yet. Now I just have to wait till the end of November for my ultrasound and the beginning of December to find out the gender. I can't wait. Maybe by then I will have a belly.