Holidays

Well we are in the middle of the holidays although it doesn't feel like it cause i am back to work. At least I had Christmas off this year. It just goes by way to fast though. All the build up to Christmas and it was over with so quick. I never did feel like I was ready. So much stuff I usually do I didn't get done but I figure it is because Tony's brother was living with us. He wasn't' a problem just everything is different. Next year will be very different with a baby in the house but at least i will be off work so I will have lots of time to get stuff ready. I still love Christmas but I just wish it didn't go by so fast.

I am now back to work and don't want to be here. I only have about 3 months left though so I shouldn't complain. Then I will be off for over a year. I will get my whole year for mat leave but I get all my vacations before that so it won't be too bad. I have a feeling I am not going to want to work after the year is up but I will have too.

I still can't believe that I will have a little baby at home next year. She will be 8 months so she could be crawling around under the tree and everything. She won't know what is going on with Santa and everything but it will still be great.

Now that the new year is starting we are going to be able to decorate the room and buy the furniture. We have decided on a bunch of what we aer getting and we know the colors and everything we just have to do it. I can't wait.

Tagged

Okay I was tagged by Kortney so I think what I am supposed to do is put up a picture from the 5th folder I have and the 5th picture. I hope I get this right. This one works very well it seems. I had my Christmas party for work and made a cake for it. I love making these types of cakes and can't wait to make them for my daughters birthday. This is the first time I did a stand up 3D cake and it turned out really well. The only problem is that no one wants to cut it up to eat it.

I am now going to tag some people for mine but since I don't have many people that blog I will do what I can.

1. Nicole

2. Elise

3. Heather

Unfortunately there isn't anyone else that blogs besides Kortney and she tagged me so I can't tag her back.

Hopefully everyone enjoys the pictures.

SNOW

I LOVE SNOW. I just had to start with that. It is so beautiful outside right now i just wish I wasn't at work knowing I have to drive home after. We are also supposed to get more on Sunday and Christmas Eve. I just wish my baby was here to enjoy her first White Christmas. We don't' get them very often.

I am almost ready for Christmas now. We have my family all bought for and only have his family to do. It shouldn't' be too bad as none of there gifts make us have to go to a mall at least. It is my Brother and Sisters birthday tomorrow so we have their gifts as well. All my baking is done now and all the decorating is done.

I am a little worried about Tony driving home tonight from work but at least he has the truck. He normally drives the car and I take the truck but it has been having some issues lately. He learned after having to come and get me from a good friends house after it wouldn't start that when I have told him it is having problems that I mean he needs to deal with it. He finally came to the conclusion that leaving his pregnant wife to drive it may not be such a good idea. Although it is much safer to drive in this weather when it breaks down it means i am sitting for a long period of time waiting for BCAA. I have to admit taking the car is different for me but it does have automatic start so I can start it from inside work and it is nice and warm for me when I get in and the seat warmers are on so it is great. It also has XM radio and i have it set to HOLLY which is a channel that only plays Christmas music so it makes it so much easier to drive. I have a funny feeling that he will get off work at 4 and I will still beat him home in this weather. If he isn't home by 8 then I will start to worry. Not that i can do anything about it though and i don't want to call his cell phone either cause the last thing I want him doing when he should be concentrating in driving is answering the phone.

I am taking suggestions for girl names. I have a few that it looks like we may use but we are still working on it. Boy names came so much easier cause we were sure it was a boy. Now it is a bit harder. We will be keeping the names secret though till she is born. We do have a boys name that we LOVE and will keep it just in case she turns out to be a he although the pictures are very clear.

I noticed that this is very jumbled with everything all over but that seems to b how my brain is working right now so it makes sense. I am ready for Christmas and I am so excited.

Also this is for you Kathy hehe:

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW

So far

Well I am excited Christmas is getting so close. Although I am not ready at all. usually we are much more ahead than this year but with losing family members lately it seems that everything has been pushed back. We haven't done any shopping and it is driving me crazy. I am finishing the tree today and that is not normal to wait this long. I hope to at least do all my shortbread tomorrow. Then sometime next week I will do my gingerbread cookies.

On another note we did find out the gender of our little one. I knew my MIL couldn't hold out. She wanted to know the night we did. So we got the note from my doctor and opened it at home together. We knew it would be a little boy and had a name and everything picked out. His family has never had a little girl so that's how we knew. Well we opened the paper and were Shocked to see it say GIRL. We are excited although now she doesn't have a name yet. At least we have a few more months to think of one. His mom is so excited. My family didn't really have a preference I don't think they just wanted healthy. I think that Tony secretly wanted a little girl so he is really happy and has already scrap booked her first picture. He did the profile u/s pic and has it all done on pink paper and everything. He started a little book for her although there isn't anything in it yet. Now I just have to hold off and not buy too many things yet. I will wait or at least try and wait till March for all the clothes.

Life has to go on

Well just as I was starting to feel more normal and not burst into tears every time I thought of my uncle I am now back to lots of tears. I knew my grandpa wasn't doing well but I had hoped he would hold on a little longer. He passed away Friday night. The day before my uncles Celebration of Life. My parents had called for me to be there earlier but I didn't go. I wanted to but I knew there would be no way I could drive home after so I waited till Tony got home. Then we had to drive his brother to his parents. I guess I could have not gone in to there place to visit for a bit but we did. They hadn't seen the ultrasound pics so it was only fair they got to see them. I know my grandpa wasn't alone and that was all that was important. I did see him the day before and he was awake and talking a bit to us. Part of me thought that he would be around for a lot longer. I guess I always thought that he would be around for a few more years even until this summer when he started looking more his age and frail. My poor aunt wasn't here for it and I can't imagine what she is going through right now. We then had my uncles Celebration of Life the next day on the island. We were running on only a few hours sleep so that made it hard. The ceremony the firefighters did was great. They had the flag at half mast and they had everyone crowd around it. They then said a few words about my uncle and then during a moment of silence they raised the flag back up to honour him. It was very touching and had a lot of meaning in it. After that we just went into the fire hall and shared great stories and visited with everyone. It wasn't a sad day completely. Although every time I say that Life Sucks, Tony reminds me to rub my belly as life is going on and it is great in there.

Now it is December 1st and I have to leave November behind as it was such an awful month for us. December can only be better. We will have grandpas Celebration of Life but that will be okay. I want to start decorating and baking and getting ready for Christmas as I haven't done any of that yet and I usually have some baking done. I have to get one of my cakes done for Thursday as it is my work Christmas Party. I love Christmas so maybe it will turn out happy. I have my doctors appointment on Thursday and I am so excited about that. I just want to know if I have a boy or girl. We actually have a name picked for a boy now. We won't be sharing our names though, that is something we are sure of. We want that to be a surprise. I guess we are figuring it will be a boy though cause we don't have a girls name at all. It will be a surprise if it is a girl though. A good surprise though.

Half way there

I am finally 20 weeks and half way. Although it doesn't quite count I guess as I know that I will probably be late. I just have a feeling. I am getting excited for next week to find out what I am having though. I am still thinking boy. I think it will be a huge shock if it is a girl. It won't be a bad thing at all though just not what I am expecting to hear. I should say read. Tony won't be able to go to the appointment so I have already told the doctor that she has to write it down and seal it in an envelope and then I can take it home and we can read it together. I will have to get her to sign the outside of the flap though cause I am bad at not being able to wait and checking for myself even though this is something we have to do together.
I had my ultrasound on Monday and it was great. The last time I was there was to tell me that not everything had passed from my miscarriage and that I would need a D&C so it was nice to get good news. It was so great to see the baby moving and waving. Tony really enjoyed seeing the heart beating away. He even wondered if we could get one of those machines at home so he could look at it often.
My life has gotten easier a bit after my uncles passing but it is still hard. I cry over the smallest things that would never have done it to me before. To make things worse my grandpa did have pneumonia and the also found lung cancer that has spread. He never smoked but unfortunately in those days everyone else did and in buildings that he was in. I went to visit him on Monday and walked right by his bed and didn't recognise him at all. At least Tony did so I didn't look like a total idiot. It is hard to see him like that cause he was always such a proper man that stood to greet you and everything. Now I just go and sit and hold his hand cause it is hard for him to talk sometimes. I think the hardest thing for me is knowing that these 2 men will never get to meet my baby. I know my uncle is up there watching out for it though. I know that my other grandpa will be there with him to have a drink when it is born and my grannie and grandpa will be together then and they all will be like angels for my child as well as Tony's grandparents, some of whom will become great grandparents for the first time. Oddly I feel that children probably see ghosts and maybe they will all come to visit and my child will get to meet them just not be able to tell us about it. I know it sounds weird but I think that imaginary friends are real to the child but so many people telling them that they aren't real make them start to believe it themselves. I don't' know if i am right or not but I just feel that my baby will meet this important people to us and know that they are there.

What I have done.

Okay Kort I decided that I was bored at work and I could have fun with this. Lets see if anyone else does it as well!


You're supposed to "bold" what you have done.
1. Started your own blog (duh)
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower (goes with #2)
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (obviously...those are mental health days)
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight ( every year at the lake)
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle ( didn't like this though)
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible (not in one sitting, but yes...)
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous - or infamous?
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby (I can highlight this one in a few more months)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Life is so unfair

This has to be one of the hardest weeks so far in my life and it is only Tuesday. About 2 weeks ago my dad went up to the lake to do some work at the cabin. My uncle who lives up there was on the excavator helping him and doing fine work. He was feeling tired and was throwing up while he was there. He had a doctors appointment planned for the Thursday on the island. The left early on the Wednesday thinking that maybe they could get in sooner. A month ago he had a full work up and blood work and everything came back normal so they were thinking it may be the flu but possibly something else. By Friday my mom had filled me in that they had found cancer on his liver but that wasn't his primary site and more testing was being done to find the primary. The specialist was coming Monday to let them know. Tony and I figured we would go over this upcoming weekend or next to visit him. We were at a paintball tournament all weekend and couldn't go over earlier we figured. By Saturday my parents made the plan that we should all go over on Monday as he wasn't doing to well. Tony took the day off work as well and we got up very early to make the 7am ferry. So 7 of us and 2 dogs piled into my dads truck and off we went. Unfortunately we were too late to say goodbye. He passed away just before we all got there. His 2 daughters and my aunt were there with him though so I think it was as it should be. He was only 61 and way to young to die. I really wanted to help with something and do something for my cousins and my aunt but instead I was sent home. That meant my whole family had to go. At first I felt really upset that just because I was pregnant I was being treated like I wasn't able to help. I have gotten over this as that wasn't what it was. This baby is now very important to them as it is life and they need that now. I think one of the hardest parts for me was knowing Tony cried. I have seen him through the deaths of 3 grandparents and the miscarriage and never seen him even have any emotion. I know my uncle was special to him but I just didn't expect to see him like that. He was one of the few who was able to go up to my uncle after and touch him and say goodbye. I know that he went to the island to say his good byes but I am so thankful he was there for me too. We came home on the 11 ferry and we came straight home as he had strict instructions from my aunt to take care of me. When we got home we found out that my grandpa had fallen and was being admitted to the hospital for possible pneumonia as well. I don't think my aunt can deal with all of this now she already lost her husband she doesn't need to lose her father as well. I am usually pretty good at keeping my emotions in check but now it just isn't working. I went to the liquor store to buy some rum for Tony and saw the Crown Royal which was my Uncles drink and burst into tears. I don't know if the staff knew what to do with me. I just can't believe he is gone. We only just had the last 5 years or so that we got really close to him and got to spend time with him. I can't imagine what my aunt and cousins are going through. I want to help them and yet there is nothing I can do but look after my baby for them. Life just isn't fair, 61 year old men that are in shape and healthy aren't' supposed to die in less than 2 weeks from feeling okay to gone. I don't know what I am going to do without him, and I don't know how to help my aunt or cousins who are probably thinking the same thing to more extremes.

RIP Lance Geary. I love you and will miss you!

Life is good

Today I went for my 17 weeks appointment. I was nervous that she was going to comment on my weight gain, or lack there of. I haven't gained a pound. I actually lost 2 in the first trimester and haven't gained any since. I was also hoping that I would finally get to hear a heartbeat. I can feel my uterus but I wasn't sure where the top of it was yet. My BP was great for me. A little low for most people, it was only 98/62, but for me that is pretty good. Then she measured my uterus which I hadn't had done before and I was measuring exactly 17 weeks. The reason I hadn't found the top of my uterus is because it was right under my belly button and I wasn't looking up that high. I have a small torso so she said I might bulge out more. I haven't seen any bulging yet though. Then she got the doppler I was pretty nervous about it though and she laughed and said it would be fine. It was GREAT. As soon as she placed the wand on my stomach it was loud and clear. She didn't even have to move it around at all. It was a perfect regular 132. I think my instincts will be right and it will be a boy. I couldn't believe I was finally hearing it. I was so happy, then I felt bad that Tony didn't get to hear it. She then asked if i had felt movement yet and I didn't think I did. So she pressed on one side of my stomach and you could hear on the doppler the baby move to the other side. She then pressed again and asked if i felt anything. I told her I felt the little gas bubbles move to the other side and she told me that I was feeling the baby. I may not feel it again for a while she said but now I know what to feel for. It was the best appointment yet. Now I just have to wait till the end of November for my ultrasound and the beginning of December to find out the gender. I can't wait. Maybe by then I will have a belly.

Things I have learned

I have learned a lot this past year.
I have learned that you can't get everything you want when you want it. Okay I understand this one but I just thought that if i planned stuff it would happen. I planned when I wanted to have a child and it worked. Never did it occur to me that it wouldn't last and that I would spend almost a year grieving and stressing about not having another one.

I have learned that sometimes you need bad things to happen to realise just how important something is to you. I knew I wanted kids and Tony finally agreed to but it took us having a miscarriage to notice just how much we both really wanted to have a baby.

I learned that sometimes you need your mother. For those that know me well know that my mother and i didn't have a great relationship growing up although it has been getting better as I have grown up. When I got the bad news that my baby would not make it I drove home from the appointment and all I could think about was that I needed my mom. This didn't happen though cause I hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy yet so I did keep it to myself but it was a weird thought for me to have.

I have learned that no matter how much pain you may be in others may be going through the same thing or at least understand what you are going through. I don't think I could have got through it as well as I did if I didn't have friends that understood and knew the right things to say. I also learned that so many others I knew had been through it too. So many went through much more pain than me and had to say goodbye to the baby they got to see and hold. I have to say they are much stronger than me.

I learned that people can say completely the wrong things but they don't mean to hurt you more they just don't know what to say. Although a simple "I'm sorry" works the best.

I learned that for some people this can ruin a relationship for others it can make it stronger. I am so thankful that I was in the latter group and it has made us stronger.

I learned that good things do happen you just have to wait for it sometimes. It will happen when the time is right and when it is meant to happen.

I learned that I had to let go. I was holding in so much grief and anger that it was really affecting me. I needed to let this go before I could heal.

I learned that when you think you have hit your low you can go lower. I know when March hit and I wasn't pregnant again I was devastated. I didn't think that I could ever be that depressed but I made it through with good friends and Tony.

I learned that acupuncture really helps with stress relief and can make you feel better. I really feel that this was a changing point for me. I am not sure if it was the acupuncture or that fact that I was taking a step to help myself heal

I learned to let things happen. This one took me a long time. When i finally put away my thermometer and stopped paying attention to the calendar it was like a huge weight came off my shoulders. It must of been what I needed cause the first month without it everything happened like I wanted it to all the other months of planing.

I learned that with everything combined that I learned, I would finally get to have my dream of having a baby. I just needed to go through all of this and learn some things first.

I learned that in life you never stop learning, Without learning you would never understand what life is really about.

15 weeks (almost)

Tomorrow I will be 15 weeks. It seems like a lot and yet it is so little in the whole 40 week pregnancy. I am definitely in second trimester. I have been told it is the best trimester as you feel more like yourself. Well I have to agree. I feel so much like myself that I tend to forget that I am pregnant. I have no idea how this happens as this is something I have wanted for so long. I will be going about my day and all of a sudden I go to do something and think " I can't do that I am pregnant". I have no symptoms at all it seems and I am in that limbo state where I can't feel the baby yet and I don't have a belly yet. I thought I was getting bigger at about 10 weeks but I now know that it was just all the awful bloating. My stomach isn't any bigger really, my pants fit different but they still do up okay they just sit different. Around the house I have to admit that I just wear sweats as they are so much easier. At work I wear scrubs so they are comfortable anyway. They are also going to be great to hide the belly when it happens. I really haven't told anyone there cause it seems to be fun to keep them guessing. I would have thought I would want to shout it to all of them but this is definitely more fun. I will probably tell them once I really start to show so another few weeks yet. I am not wishing this pregnancy to go faster, although I can't wait to meet my little one, I just wish certain things will go faster for me. I wish I could feel my baby moving and I wish I looked pregnant. Tony doesn't get the last one, he can't figure out why I would want to be fat. I keep trying to explain that i won't be fat I will just look pregnant and he still doesn't get it. We are going for an ultrasound at the end of November to determine the gender. We really don't care what we have as long as it is healthy. Tony wants to gender specific the baby's room though. We won't be telling anyone unless his mother decides to let us tell her what it is. She is very against knowing but we think his Dad will be able to talk he into it as he really wants to know. We haven't really come up with names either but we have time for that. We have started making lists each and we will go over them together eventually. I have a feeling that names will be the trying part of our relationship for some reason. I haven't liked anything he has come up with and he hasn't liked mine. The few names that we actually agreed on we then noticed that either a cousin named their child this or a friend did and we don't want to use those names. We probably won't be telling the names we picked either until s/he is born. It is amazing to me to have this little one growing inside me. I still haven't found the top of my uterus but I am probably looking completely wrong. I will wait for my appointment at 17 weeks and ask her to point it out to me. I have already thought long and hard about the birth and everything. Tony has strict instructions already. I have to admit they are not about the birth but about pictures afterwards. There is just some rules about what he is allowed to take pictures of. He has to make sure that there is no boobs showing in any picture. He also has to make sure that if he is taking a picture right after birth to flip my pillow over so that the huge sweat stains don't show up. I know this sounds vain but at the time I probably won't care but when others are looking I just don't want it shown. Who knows though if I will care when the time comes. I will just be so happy to be holding my little one.

Thanksgiving

Well I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I know that we did. I got 2 dinners this year. The only bad thing is that I have to work tonight.

The other thing that made it so great was the great family news we had. I have been told that most of you that read this will probably have figured this out already though. Yes that is right I am finally Pregnant. I am due April 16th and so excited. Right after I wrote the entry about dreams I found out so maybe that was why I was having the weird dreams.

We got to tell our parents and families this weekend as well. Saturday was dinner at my parents so we told them first. It didn't' seem like a surprise to them as they all figured it out they were just waiting to hear it from us. My mom even went up and put it on facebook right away. I felt bad but I had to get her to delete it till Sunday afternoon as I felt that Tony's parents deserved to know first. Then Sunday we told his parents. Apparently it wasn't' a surprise to them either. I was a little sad cause I wanted it to be a surprise for someone. Then at dinner with his uncle there we told them. It was definitely a surprise for them so that was nice. Although the oddest comment had to be "How long have you known" We had said that it was planned so I would have known from the beginning. I actually found out on August 5th. I was only 3 weeks so I was shocked that I found out early but happy to see those 2 dark lines. We are starting to tell people slowly but have found it funny how everyone is finding out. My mom and sister both put it in their status on facebook and I already have everyone writing on my wall. I will wait a bit and see how many others figure it out before i say anything.

I am also excited as I know of 3 people due in May so I will have lots of other babies that I can check out soon after mine. I am going to get ready for work soon but I will now have lots to write about now that it is no longer a secret.

Time

It has been a while since I wrote but it has been such an emotional day for me that i needed too. I am at work and some days are just worse than others and today is it. We had a young patient pass away today and it was just very hard. It makes you think about your own time on earth and what you have done. She was the same age as me and was fine one week ago almost to the hour and now she is gone. It just doesn't seem right. That could be me in a week, it is scary. I am extra tired and extra emotional lately and this just topped it off. At least in my job it is okay to cry with the families and feel there pain. It just seemed so wrong to my to watch her mom and grandma falling apart and crying. It had to be one of my saddest moments in Hospice and yet I still love my job. Tonight I will go home and vent to Tony and probably cry and cry and tomorrow I will be thankful that I am alive now and that I was able to help her pass pain free and comfortable.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I don't have to work and that makes it better already. I will be helping my brother and sister in law move into their new place in Langley. I will probably not be doing much to help but at least Tony will be. He has to go early and drive the 5 tonne for them to North Van and pick up the stuff and then I will meet them at the new place with all the friends and i can help with some smaller boxes and stuff. I will leave the furniture to the men.

I have learned in my job to appreciate life and what happens in it everyday. You never know when it will be your last. Today just reminded me how precious it really is.

Life moves fast

I don't know about anyone else but life seems to fly by so fast lately. Well with some things I guess and others it feels like time is standing still. I feel like I haven't had any time to myself lately and it has been go go go all the time. This past weekend I was at Tony paintball tournament. I love going to watch him play and now I work in the paint booth all weekend. This means that I no longer get to watch him play. It also means so very long days. I am there at 6am and don't get out of there till after 8 on Saturday and then Sunday is worse. I stay with Tony as he stays to clean up which means we don't get out of there till late. This Sunday we ended up going to Tim Horton's with the group after. We got there at 11pm. I was exhausted. I have now decided that I won't be working in the booth again. As much as I enjoy being in there and talking to all the players and seeing how they are doing it is no longer fun. I feel that because I am getting paid to be in there that means that I am working. Unfortunately not everyone in there feels the same way. The other girls don't have spouses playing yet seem to spend more time watching the games then being in the booth. They also start drinking early in the day. I am not saying they can't drink but when you are getting paid then I feel you need to finish the job first before starting to drink. I also wasn't allowed to socialize with friends that came up to the booth without getting harped on about doing the job yet they had friends in the booth with them. My own husband wasn't allowed to come up and talk to me. I guess I am a bit bitter about the weekend in the booth. I will feel much better knowing I am going back to being a players wife and then I can watch all his games and I can visit with whoever I want when I want. So Kort that means that I will actually get to talk to you. I was trying to talk but I was getting comments from inside. I am sorry I didn't get to talk more especially just meeting you. I probably didn't seem very cheerful cause I was having a bad weekend. That said I have to say your belly is perfect and I wish that mine will look that way but something tells me that what you look like now is what I will look like at 20 weeks.
Now that my vent is out of the way back to life flying by. I feel that the weekend just flew by and I haven't been able to catch up. I work days tomorrow although it is with an excellent nurse so I know I will have a good day. Then I work nights all weekend which I don't mind so much. I love nights and I get paid more for weekends. I still get to meet all the paintball guys for dinner Sunday night before work and that will be great. I enjoy meeting up with them and have made some great friendships with some of these guys and will have so much fun in November at the next tournament watching and cheering them all on. I just hope November gets here fast but I will take Thanksgiving weekend which will be nice to get together with family.

Adult Life

I know I haven't written in a while but I have been so busy. I have now come to the conclusion that adult life begins when you have to start spending a bunch of money. I used to think that when we bought our house a few years ago that would make me an adult but I think I was wrong.
This last week we had to buy a new washer and dryer. We have been lucky for the past 10 years we haven't had to buy one. We kept getting ones handed down through family. There always seemed to be a new one ready as ours died. This time we weren't so lucky. We decided that it was time we just bought a new set and then we would know it would last. We ended up going for the front loading one that is a bit more expensive but uses way less water and should last longer. We decided to get it delivered as delivery was free. We had nothing but problems with that as well. It was supposed to come between 5-9 so that Tony could be home to get the old stuff outside first and then he could have them bring it in how he wanted. I am not usually a dumb female when it comes to this but there is no way I could get the old stuff outside myself. The delivery company starts calling me at 11 saying they are going to deliver. I kept explaining that it would have to be after 5. Then at 4 I look outside and they are blocking my driveway. I had to go out but they refused to move till they dropped it off. I didn't know what else to do so I had them put it in the garage. When Tony got home he had to move it in the house himself and was not happy in any way. The washer says right on it that it needs at least 2 people as it weighs over 300lbs. I couldn't count as a second person as I think I just got in his way. After a few days of calling and arguing with the delivery company we did get compensated though. Believe me you don't want to deal with me mad. I am normally very nice but get me on the phone when I am pissed about something and I am dangerous.

Then the neighbour beside us decided that they wanted to replace the fence which then means that we have to pay half. She told us our half would only be about 400 and we were okay with that if the job was going to be done properly. (She is the landlord there and seems to be doing a lot of upgrades trying to sell the place but all her renters moved out. It makes me wonder as she has only owned it for about a year and the renters had been there about 4 before her and they were never a problem.) Well that didn't happen properly. We haven't paid her yet though. First off the panels the guy got were really cheap ones so they are only 25 each. He only had to put up 7 panels. The fence posts should be put into the ground with cement about 2 feet and he did them about 6 inches which means they will fall over when it gets windy in about a year. The fence isn't level to itself. Each panel is level but it goes up and down on level ground so it doesn't look good with huge gaps under some and right on the ground with others. Also it hasn't been stained or anything to protect it. I guess she forgets what Tony does for a living and that he has been around construction all his life. The only reason he didn't do the fence himself was time. He just hasn't had any time lately to do it. The most he said the fence should cost done the way it is even with labour would be 400 not 800 like she is saying. I am letting him deal with this one as I did the washer and dryer and now it is his turn. Plus he knows more about what he is talking about with it then I do. I also don't do face to face confrontations as well as over the phone.

After all this going on it defiantly makes me feel more like an adult now. I am enjoying my one day off for a while. I got to sleep in which is nice cause I am so exhausted all the time. I am back to work tomorrow for 2 days and one night. Then starting on Friday evening is the start to the paintball tournament for Tony. I work there all weekend and it is long days. The players all have shorter days than me. I am there at 6 and work till about 9 at night. It makes for some very long days. I know then on Sunday we all go for dinner after and I don't get home till about 11 and I work days on the Monday. At least on Tuesday Tony is on afternoons so that means he leaves at 3 for work and I will be in bed having a nap by 3:05.

Back to Work

I have to say having 3 weeks off and then having to come to work is really hard. To make it worse I know that I could be off for another week but I picked up these 3 shifts so that I had some extra money after being off so long. I have 3 nights shifts. I love nights but I just don't want to be here. It is an easy night so far but I still have 7 hours to go, only 5 done. At least I know I can sleep well during the day cause Tony is on day shift this week.

I am so tired lately and I think it is that I am dreading work. It is hard to come back after some time off. I don't know what i will do when I have to come back from a year off of maternity leave. Oh well I will come to that when I need to.

I am having a good life right now though. I have good friends and am going to get together with 2 of them in September. I haven't seen them for a while but i will have 2 dates to catch up and see how they are doing. Well back to work now i guess and hopefully I will have more exciting stuff to write next time. I think I have a pretty boring life so far.

Holidays

Well summer is almost over. I only have a few more days left in my holidays. I am loving it up here at the lake and enjoying the heat cause I can just jump in the lake when I get too hot.
I got to go and visit with Tony's cousins at Green Lake for the weekend and it was good to see them again as we don't do it often enough. It was hot though up to 38. We basically just put our chairs in the water and sat there.
Today we had a great Thunder and lightning storm. I love them up here cause we can just sit outside and watch. It is always warm and there is never rain. It is wonderful.

I am not looking forward to going back to work when I get home but I am nice and relaxed and know that will be good when i get home. When summer is over then I will be ready for Christmas although I don't want to rush my summer away just yet.

To be a kid again and to not have to work and to have the entire summer off would be great. I sure hope my kids will enjoy the lake with Grandma and Grandpa for the summer while we work and then we will just visit them on our holidays. They will have it made!

I will try and post again but it is hard with dial up. I can't wait to be home with my normal computer. I have so many pictures that i have to check out on facebook that I can't on dial up. I will also be able to post a wedding picture form my brothers wedding.

Vacations

I am so excited for holidays to start. Although I guess you could say mine has started cause I haven't worked since the 1st of August and don't go back till the 25th. Tomorrow is my brothers wedding and that will be fun and a good party. Then starting Monday we can go to the lake and relax. I am very happy to go away. Even though I haven't had to work it isn't holidays till you get out of town.

We bought a Kayak that I am excited to try out once we are up there. It is an inflatable one so that we can take it in the car with us. No point paying for the extra gas in the truck if we don't need to.

I just hope the weather is nice for the next 2 weeks and we can enjoy the sun and heat. I am so tired and need the time to just lay back. I am not a fan of high heat when I am working but at the lake on holidays is completely different. I can just go in the water for a swim to cool off when ever i want. I won't be able to blog much I don't think but I will have to see. It depends on if the Internet works at the cabin or not. So if I don't everyone have a great 2 weeks while I enjoy the sun.

Weekends

I wish this last long weekend had lasted longer. I got to spend it up at the cabin though enjoying the sun. It wasn't as hot as it could have been though. I love weekends. Even if I don't have them off work there just seems to be something nice about weekends. I don't have to go back to work till the 25Th so I have lots of weekends to relax. We will be going away on Monday for 2 weeks and I can't wait. My brothers wedding is on Saturday so we get to have a fun party first. I got to see some of my cousins at the lake on the weekend so I will get to see them again on Saturday. I am excited to go to the wedding.

I am in such a good mood today although very tired. Tony is on afternoon shift so that means he won't be home till 1am. I can have a nap before he gets home if I finish my badges on pogo first. Tomorrow I have to go for my waxing and then a baby shower in the evening. Thursday I have to get my manicure and pedicure done and then the rehearsal dinner for my brother. Friday is my only relaxing day. I will sleep in cause Tony will be sleeping in after work and I can have a nap when he goes to work so it is perfect. Now I am off to meet my other brother and sister for sushi and then home to play pogo and a nap.

Dreams

Sometimes I wonder how my dreams seem to apply to everyone but me. I know that it isn't true it just seems that way sometimes. Everyone has dreams of what there life will be like and dreams of what they want for the house and family. I have realistic dreams and yet I still don't seem to get them. I have one big dream right now and that is for children although I know that it is something I have no say over. I can plan it all I want but if it isn't the right time then it won't happen. It is something that is completely out of my control really, it just seems that I am the only one left that can't have this dream. Even family that isn't married and have no job can have a wonderful baby and I can't. Maybe I waited to long in my life. I should have done it sooner maybe. I shouldn't have been so careful all those years with birth control. These are the things that go through my mind and yet I know I did the right thing. I wanted to be married and have my career and a house first. I know that these things don't really matter but they did to me. I wanted to be different than all my cousins who were very young (18) not married, no careers and still lived at home. I am not saying that this is wrong in any way I am just stating facts. I just wanted to be different than what they did. I know that if it is meant to be it will happen I just hope it is sooner than later cause I want 2 kids but I only have a few years left. Tony wants to be under 40 when we are having our last child and that only gives me 5 years left.

On another note of dreams I have noticed that I have had some very odd and vivid dreams the last couple of nights. They are all very weird. Some of them I won't go into cause I wasn't something that I would discuss but very weird. Another one I was getting a 2nd tattoo and for some reason I put it on top of my first one. I had a princess type women on my shoulder blade and was getting a poker hand tattooed on top of it but so that the women's face was showing over the top of it. This was odd as I don't have any tattoos and would never get one on my shoulder blade. I don't play poker at all either. the princess would be fine but she was a weird looking princess. I don't know why I am having these dreams but maybe I have a lot more on my mind than I thought I did.

I am getting excited now though. Only 2 more days of work and then I am off on holidays. I am off for almost the entire month of August. I just have a few shifts at the end of the month that is it. I can't wait to go away for the long weekend then my brothers wedding on the 9th. Then we go away for 2 weeks to the lake and I can relax and enjoy and not think to much.

Wedding

Well yesterday we went to Tom and Jens wedding. The cake went over well from what I was told. I was happy with the final ending to it although I didn't take the final picture of it so it isn't from the same angles.

I was happy with it and now almost want to do another one as I have some new ideas I want to try out. As frustrated as I get with the fondant I still enjoy doing it.

The wedding was great. The weather was perfect being not to hot or cold and with it being a bit cloudy it made the pictures turn out great. I was even happy in the dress that I wore that showed cleavage. Those that know me well know that I NEVER show cleavage as I am very uncomfortable. I have to admit over the last couple of months though I have been able to be comfortable with my body and will show off what I have now.

We haven't been out past 1 in a while so I am quite tired today. I know it makes us sound old but it is true. We don't go out partying or anything so this was a lot of fun. We got to see some people we hadn't seen in a while and got to catch up. I had a great time but now look forward to sleeping in tomorrow to catch up on some sleep. I am saying this for the record though so it can be looked back on in a few months that I think they will end up with a honeymoon baby. I just have a feeling.

Work

Well I sit here at work very bored. I don't normally have time to sit and write while I am on day shift but today is unusually slow. There is only 8 patients and 3 nurses so we are all bored. At least there is 3 computers and we can get on facebook at work. It is now my break so I am doing this on my own time at least.

I do wish I was at home so i could have slept in though. I don't sleep well when I am on day shift cause I am so scared I am going to miss my alarm. Only tomorrow left though and then I am off on Friday and I will sleep in for sure. I have to clean the house really well though in case my in laws drop in on the way to the wedding on Saturday.

On a different note I think I have found a new friend. I won't post her name on here as there is others that read this but hopefully she will know who she is. I am sure a few of you may have noticed cause no one else post comments. I haven't actually even met her yet but have emailed a bit with her and have been reading her blog. I have found that we are very much alike with things that we do. I am hoping to meet her though and now that she may be moving closer to me if she finds a house tonight then I hope it will work into a good friendship.

Friends are important to me. I don't have to see them everyday or even talk to them. I have a few that i only see and talk to every couple of months but they are still important parts on my life and would do anything for them. I think everyone should have good friends that can be there for them or talk to them when needed. Even if it is only once or twice a year friends can be there when the time is right. We are all special in our own way and can help others in all different ways.
I read a post once that said Friends are angels here on earth and I believe that some of my friends are angels. They seem to know when I need them.

Sleep

My weekend didn't go as planned. I had it planned out that I would get lots of sleep. I like my sleep and love to sleep in. When I say sleep in I don't mean until 9 I mean sleep till noon. I have always liked sleep. So many people tell me that i am wasting my day by sleeping in that late but in my mind if I was awake I would just be tired and wouldn't be doing anything anyway. If I have something planned then I can get up no problem but if I don't then I sleep. Saturday I knew I had to get up cause we had an appointment at the bank so that was fine. Saturday night we went and saw Spamalot down in Vancouver. Peter got us the tickets for our birthdays and we really liked it. Then the weekend got messed up. Sunday I was planning on sleeping in till noon. Tony would get up and go to paintball and I would sleep in getting up when I wanted to then I would clean the house. Unfortunately paintball got cancelled so I couldn't sleep in. Tony didn't leave so he figured that we could get things going around the house. See he doesn't get the whole sleep in thing. He feels that you shoudl get up and get the day going. I still cleaned the house but now he was home and I was up early and not happy so it didn't go well at all. Then I wanted to go to bed early and that didn't happen either. At least I got to sleep in today. I have to work form 3-11 again today though and I am not excited about that. It is just an extra shift again in the extended care. They are just such boring shifts but at least it is money. Tomorrow is my day off though so I can sleep in and do what ever I want all day. Now I have to go and get ready for work. I have half an hour and I have to make Tony's lunch for tomorrow so that i don't have to do it when I get home tonight. I don't know why I started making his lunch for him. He is a big boy and can do it himself, I guess I grew up with my mom doing it for my dad so I do it for him. I can't wait to sleep in again tomorrow. Then I can do what I want, with the exception of some laundry. Then it is the end of sleeping in for a few days. I wokr 12 hours days on Wednesday and Thursday so by Friday I will be wanting to sleep in again.

Cake

This is just a quick post for me to upload the wedding cake pics so far. It is just the basic cake and then with the ribbon. I will still have to get the proper flowers as these were just to get an idea of what it will look like but it will have red roses instead. It isn't quite how i wanted it but I will see what I can do. I will be posting more tomorrow I am just too tired tonight.

About me

I guess I should have started yesterday with a little about me. I guess I was just thinking about that cake though. I did get all the fondant done on it and all I have left is to add ribbon around it and the roses. I got the hard part done. It didn't take me as long as I thought it would. I think I will only do square cakes from now on as they are so much easier till I get better at it.

Well about me. I just turned 30 and I really don't mind. I find that 30 finally makes me an adult so I can enjoy 30 I just may not get any older. I have been married to the most wonderful guy for just over 2 years now. That seems like such a short time when I write it though. I guess it is because I have actually been with him for 12 years. We have been living together for 11 of those years as well. We were just a bit slow on the marriage part of it. Both of us wanted to finish school first. For some reason I wanted me degree in my maiden name and I don't know why. We bought our house 4 years ago now and I love it. I have a few ideas of what we can do for some additions to it but I think we have to have a windfall of money for the supplies first. I am a nurse in the Hospice unit and Love my job. Most people can't figure out how I can love all the death but I guess you just have to be there to understand it. Most people can't figure out how I became a nurse because in high school that was the farthest thing from my mind. My mom is a nurse and i was never going to be like her. Everyone though I would be a mechanics teacher. This was me in high school and no one thought I would then become a nurse. I do miss the racing though. I look back at old pictures and wish I was doing it again. I look into the profiles on facebook of my teachers daughters who are now grown up and drive the car themselves and it makes me miss it even more. I was very proud to be the only girl out there at the time though.

There isn't much else to me I guess. I like to read and spend my free time in the summer at our cabin on the lake. I love to spend time with my husband which is how I ended up going to his paintball games and then somehow now I work the tournaments in the paint booth. Although now I see less of his games that way. I come from a family of 6. I have 2 brothers and one sister. My brother and sister are twins and then I have a baby brother. He doesn't like that I call him that though because he is almost 24. My older of the 2 brothers is getting married in a couple of weeks so I will gain a sister in law. The other 2 are single and I wish they could find someone to add to our family. I think they wish they could find someone too. My brother in laws (Tony's brothers) aren't married yet either so I don't have anyone else to add yet, although his one other does have a girlfriend that could lead to something. His twin brothers are the same age as my twin brother and sister so we have 4 of them the same age. Tony also has a sister that is 32 so there is definitely more boys than girls in this family so I am hoping out of all of us someone has some girls when they start having kids. Well I am off to get ready for work. I have some time but I want to relax as well. It is just an easy pick up shift that I took. It is in the extended care rather than my own unit so it is just an 8 hour shift. That way Tony has time to play some video games before I get home.

Getting Started

Well I have never Blogged before and with some prodding from others I decided to try it. I will see how this goes.
Right now I am supposed to be making my friends wedding cake and instead I am setting this up. I will have to get going on the cake though. I have no idea how I got started making cakes for others. I am a Nurse and that has nothing to do with cakes. I do make cakes for birthdays and decorate them but wedding cakes are different. I guess it started when I made my own cake for my wedding. I was too cheap to buy one cause they are expensive. I figured if I could decorate a birthday cake I could do a wedding cake. Well I was surprised Tony still wanted to marry me after that experience. I just do fake wedding cakes cause if I mess it up I just wash it off and start all over again. I had never used fondant before and that was the problem. The stuff didn't roll out the way it was supposed to, then it didn't fold nice to the cake. Plus it was round and it didn't smooth out nicely on the edges. Needless to say there was a lot of yelling and crying over my cake, which in the end worked out just fine. Now I had said I would never work with fondant again and here I am about to do it again.
I think the difference this time though is the cake is square so the edges should fold in nicely and I don't have to "decorate" the cake really. Just some ribbon around it and then on the day of the wedding I can buy some roses and add them to it. Very simple. I wish that I had done that for my cake, I just didn't investigate it much. I had an idea in my head and went for it. What i got was not what was in my head though.
I have 2 wedding in the next month to go to and then I get vacation. That is what I am looking forward to. I need some time to relax. I haven't been able to do that lately and I need it. When I am on holidays it will be the one year angelversary of my baby so I am hoping that I can not think about that much and just move on with my life. After I passed my due date with no baby I seemed to get better. I have moved on and enjoyed being around babies and pregnant women again. Until then I didn't want anything to do with either and now I am okay. I am back to loving babies and kids and am fine with seeing all these pregnant women all around me. I know at my brothers wedding there will be at least 5 babies and they are all younger than what mine should be and I will be okay with it. I know it will happen when it is right for us. I just have to figure out how to not think about it. Yeah right.
Well I think I have written enough for the first post and I will go and tackle that cake now. Once I get started then the sooner I finish it and my goal is to finish the fondant today so that I can relax till next week when I can do the ribbon and roses.