21 weeks today

Well last time I was pregnant I wrote a lot more than this. This time though things are different. This isn't an easy post to write and I ask that those that read it don't put anything on my wall of facebook. It isn't that I am hiding it I just don't want it out there all the time.
I had a CVS done just before 12 weeks to find out if this baby had the metabolic disorder that Lauren does. The results were unaffected so we were happy about that. They also did the quad screen on me since they already had the stuff to test if there was a problem. 2 weeks after the CVS I started to bleed. Not just spotting but bleeding enough to change a pad every hour day and night. Everyone kept saying it was okay and I got sent for ultrasounds to check. Baby always looked good and I was told it was a spot on the uterus not the placenta, cervix or baby so it was fine it would just be annoying. Then the morning of my 19 week ultrasound I got a call from the geneticist and was told that I had tested positive for a neural tube defect. All my other results were really good numbers but that one was 1 in 20. I was told to go for the ultrasound and it will give the results. At the ultrasound it was found that it was a false positive as there was no neural tube defect at all. That is when I found out that heavy bleeding can cause a false positive. But the ultrasound wasn't that great. It found that I had very low fluid. I thought "okay that can be treated we can deal with that" I was sent for a follow up ultrasound with detail at women's and children's hospital. On Christmas Eve the geneticist called to tell us that all the chromosomes from the testing came back as normal and that we were having a BOY. Yesterday we had our detailed ultrasound. The ultrasound took over and hour and was nice in that they let Tony in right away and we got to watch on a big TV the whole time. We did see that there was very little fluid but that was all we could tell. The tech then said that we would be sent upstairs to get the results from the geneticist and be told our options. I knew then that it couldn't be good. We were told that not only was it low fluid but his head and heart were normal but his waist down was measuring small. We were then referred to a perinatologist which is a very high risk OB basically. We met with him in the afternoon. Of course we were expecting this to be a quick trip and Tony would go to work after but that never happened. We were told that the bleeding was from my placenta and it was a huge bleed. They didn't' know if it would heal itself but probably not since it has been going on for 6 weeks. This meant that the baby was only getting nutrients from about 70% of the placenta and that the way it works is that the body takes the nutrients it needs and puts it in important places like head and heart. The rest of him is shutting down. The low fluid is because his kidneys have shut down and isn't producing the fluid. We were then given all our options. The first being to terminate which we just can't do at this point. Then the other is to wait 2 weeks and get another ultrasound and see if he has grown at all. I have been told that I will not be having a natural birth and he will be born by csection and that I will not make it to term. They are just hoping he grows enough to make it to 28 weeks. At this point I could go into labour at any point as the blood can aggravate the uterus and cause an infection. They will be checking him for growth every 2 weeks and as long as he has grown he gets to stay in me. If he stops then they have to take him then as he will be able to grow outside the womb better but he may not do better in other things. As long as he can make it to 30 weeks he has a very very good chance of survival. This means that we will again be spending lots of time in the NICU just having Lauren means that we won't get to spend as much time as we would like. Because of how dire this is to them at the hospital we were given only a 60% chance of bringing home a baby. He could be stillborn, die in the nursery if he is too early or just be too preterm that he can't survive. So we came up with a name last night because I had to have my son have a name. We won't be sharing it till he comes though. I am not on bed rest as they have found that it doesn't help and can cause blood clots. I am allowed to work but I can go off if I want to. I haven't decided yet. I can use my 15 weeks sick time as I know he will be here by then. I am supposed to take it easy although with Lauren it is hard. She is going through a stage where she has bad tantrums and hits kicks and punches so it is really hard for me to stay safe around her and keep her safe as well. I can't do anything to help my little boy and I think that is the worst. They should have lied and told me to eat something at least then I would feel like I was doing something. The only thing we have right now is to pray and beg that he will grow to at least 28 weeks. I really want to bring my little boy home safe and sound.