Things I have learned

I have learned a lot this past year.
I have learned that you can't get everything you want when you want it. Okay I understand this one but I just thought that if i planned stuff it would happen. I planned when I wanted to have a child and it worked. Never did it occur to me that it wouldn't last and that I would spend almost a year grieving and stressing about not having another one.

I have learned that sometimes you need bad things to happen to realise just how important something is to you. I knew I wanted kids and Tony finally agreed to but it took us having a miscarriage to notice just how much we both really wanted to have a baby.

I learned that sometimes you need your mother. For those that know me well know that my mother and i didn't have a great relationship growing up although it has been getting better as I have grown up. When I got the bad news that my baby would not make it I drove home from the appointment and all I could think about was that I needed my mom. This didn't happen though cause I hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy yet so I did keep it to myself but it was a weird thought for me to have.

I have learned that no matter how much pain you may be in others may be going through the same thing or at least understand what you are going through. I don't think I could have got through it as well as I did if I didn't have friends that understood and knew the right things to say. I also learned that so many others I knew had been through it too. So many went through much more pain than me and had to say goodbye to the baby they got to see and hold. I have to say they are much stronger than me.

I learned that people can say completely the wrong things but they don't mean to hurt you more they just don't know what to say. Although a simple "I'm sorry" works the best.

I learned that for some people this can ruin a relationship for others it can make it stronger. I am so thankful that I was in the latter group and it has made us stronger.

I learned that good things do happen you just have to wait for it sometimes. It will happen when the time is right and when it is meant to happen.

I learned that I had to let go. I was holding in so much grief and anger that it was really affecting me. I needed to let this go before I could heal.

I learned that when you think you have hit your low you can go lower. I know when March hit and I wasn't pregnant again I was devastated. I didn't think that I could ever be that depressed but I made it through with good friends and Tony.

I learned that acupuncture really helps with stress relief and can make you feel better. I really feel that this was a changing point for me. I am not sure if it was the acupuncture or that fact that I was taking a step to help myself heal

I learned to let things happen. This one took me a long time. When i finally put away my thermometer and stopped paying attention to the calendar it was like a huge weight came off my shoulders. It must of been what I needed cause the first month without it everything happened like I wanted it to all the other months of planing.

I learned that with everything combined that I learned, I would finally get to have my dream of having a baby. I just needed to go through all of this and learn some things first.

I learned that in life you never stop learning, Without learning you would never understand what life is really about.

15 weeks (almost)

Tomorrow I will be 15 weeks. It seems like a lot and yet it is so little in the whole 40 week pregnancy. I am definitely in second trimester. I have been told it is the best trimester as you feel more like yourself. Well I have to agree. I feel so much like myself that I tend to forget that I am pregnant. I have no idea how this happens as this is something I have wanted for so long. I will be going about my day and all of a sudden I go to do something and think " I can't do that I am pregnant". I have no symptoms at all it seems and I am in that limbo state where I can't feel the baby yet and I don't have a belly yet. I thought I was getting bigger at about 10 weeks but I now know that it was just all the awful bloating. My stomach isn't any bigger really, my pants fit different but they still do up okay they just sit different. Around the house I have to admit that I just wear sweats as they are so much easier. At work I wear scrubs so they are comfortable anyway. They are also going to be great to hide the belly when it happens. I really haven't told anyone there cause it seems to be fun to keep them guessing. I would have thought I would want to shout it to all of them but this is definitely more fun. I will probably tell them once I really start to show so another few weeks yet. I am not wishing this pregnancy to go faster, although I can't wait to meet my little one, I just wish certain things will go faster for me. I wish I could feel my baby moving and I wish I looked pregnant. Tony doesn't get the last one, he can't figure out why I would want to be fat. I keep trying to explain that i won't be fat I will just look pregnant and he still doesn't get it. We are going for an ultrasound at the end of November to determine the gender. We really don't care what we have as long as it is healthy. Tony wants to gender specific the baby's room though. We won't be telling anyone unless his mother decides to let us tell her what it is. She is very against knowing but we think his Dad will be able to talk he into it as he really wants to know. We haven't really come up with names either but we have time for that. We have started making lists each and we will go over them together eventually. I have a feeling that names will be the trying part of our relationship for some reason. I haven't liked anything he has come up with and he hasn't liked mine. The few names that we actually agreed on we then noticed that either a cousin named their child this or a friend did and we don't want to use those names. We probably won't be telling the names we picked either until s/he is born. It is amazing to me to have this little one growing inside me. I still haven't found the top of my uterus but I am probably looking completely wrong. I will wait for my appointment at 17 weeks and ask her to point it out to me. I have already thought long and hard about the birth and everything. Tony has strict instructions already. I have to admit they are not about the birth but about pictures afterwards. There is just some rules about what he is allowed to take pictures of. He has to make sure that there is no boobs showing in any picture. He also has to make sure that if he is taking a picture right after birth to flip my pillow over so that the huge sweat stains don't show up. I know this sounds vain but at the time I probably won't care but when others are looking I just don't want it shown. Who knows though if I will care when the time comes. I will just be so happy to be holding my little one.

Thanksgiving

Well I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I know that we did. I got 2 dinners this year. The only bad thing is that I have to work tonight.

The other thing that made it so great was the great family news we had. I have been told that most of you that read this will probably have figured this out already though. Yes that is right I am finally Pregnant. I am due April 16th and so excited. Right after I wrote the entry about dreams I found out so maybe that was why I was having the weird dreams.

We got to tell our parents and families this weekend as well. Saturday was dinner at my parents so we told them first. It didn't' seem like a surprise to them as they all figured it out they were just waiting to hear it from us. My mom even went up and put it on facebook right away. I felt bad but I had to get her to delete it till Sunday afternoon as I felt that Tony's parents deserved to know first. Then Sunday we told his parents. Apparently it wasn't' a surprise to them either. I was a little sad cause I wanted it to be a surprise for someone. Then at dinner with his uncle there we told them. It was definitely a surprise for them so that was nice. Although the oddest comment had to be "How long have you known" We had said that it was planned so I would have known from the beginning. I actually found out on August 5th. I was only 3 weeks so I was shocked that I found out early but happy to see those 2 dark lines. We are starting to tell people slowly but have found it funny how everyone is finding out. My mom and sister both put it in their status on facebook and I already have everyone writing on my wall. I will wait a bit and see how many others figure it out before i say anything.

I am also excited as I know of 3 people due in May so I will have lots of other babies that I can check out soon after mine. I am going to get ready for work soon but I will now have lots to write about now that it is no longer a secret.

Time

It has been a while since I wrote but it has been such an emotional day for me that i needed too. I am at work and some days are just worse than others and today is it. We had a young patient pass away today and it was just very hard. It makes you think about your own time on earth and what you have done. She was the same age as me and was fine one week ago almost to the hour and now she is gone. It just doesn't seem right. That could be me in a week, it is scary. I am extra tired and extra emotional lately and this just topped it off. At least in my job it is okay to cry with the families and feel there pain. It just seemed so wrong to my to watch her mom and grandma falling apart and crying. It had to be one of my saddest moments in Hospice and yet I still love my job. Tonight I will go home and vent to Tony and probably cry and cry and tomorrow I will be thankful that I am alive now and that I was able to help her pass pain free and comfortable.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I don't have to work and that makes it better already. I will be helping my brother and sister in law move into their new place in Langley. I will probably not be doing much to help but at least Tony will be. He has to go early and drive the 5 tonne for them to North Van and pick up the stuff and then I will meet them at the new place with all the friends and i can help with some smaller boxes and stuff. I will leave the furniture to the men.

I have learned in my job to appreciate life and what happens in it everyday. You never know when it will be your last. Today just reminded me how precious it really is.