Hard day

I thought i was doing better. I was feeling better and more normal. Then yesterday was one of my darkest days. I was packing up all of Lauren old clothes that don't fit. We were packing them away and Tony mentioned that some cousin was going to get spoiled. He was packing away all her old toys that she doesn't use anymore as well. I told her that one day her cousins would be playing with them and she could say that she gave them to them. He then said something about maybe even her nieces and nephews could use them. It was then that I noticed that she will never have nieces or nephews. She will never be an aunt. I know that if her siblings never had kids she wouldn't either but now it isn't even an option. She won't even have a sibling to play and run around with. I was packing up all her clothes in tears. I should be going through them and getting out anything that was gender neutral for my son to wear instead of packing it away for good. I want to be selfish and never pass it on but that isn't good either. None of our siblings is even thinking of having kids right now but we will still pass on all the baby stuff when they do. It seems the closer I get to my due date the worse I get. I go between wanting to be pregnant still and wanting to be pregnant again. Unfortunately Tony is done and doesn't want to try again. A miscarriage, a very sick child at birth and a stillborn son is enough for him. I thought I was getting to the acceptance stage of grief but apparently I am just hitting the anger. I am sorry to those who have been in my line of fire, I just seem to have a very short fuse. I am trying to get through it with my friendships intact and hoping to keep my marriage a happy one too but even Tony has learned to leave me alone for a bit. I do have a happy post about pictures we got done but I will post that another time.