Pet Peeve

I don't know why this bothers me so much but it does. Losing Shane was not a miscarriage. He was a stillborn. There is a difference and for some reason it bothers me when people say that it is sad I have had 2 miscarriages. When I miscarried I had to have surgery and it was hard and had cramping and it was sad. I am still saddened by it. This was completely different. I carried my son past the half way point in my pregnancy. I knew he was a little boy and I had seen him on numerous ultrasounds. I had felt him move and kick inside me. When he was gone I had to go through 36 hours of labour and deliver him. I had to fill out a certificate of stillborn death. I had to go to a funeral home and decide if I wanted burial or cremation or if I wanted a service for him. I wish that I never knew the difference between the 2 but now I do I want it to be called what it was. My son was born still. Part of me wishes it didn't end this way. I wish I could have held him breathing even for a short time. Although we would have had the follow up ultrasound on Thursday and we would have been told that he hadn't grown. I would not have terminated so I would have had to have him by csection and then he would have gone to the NICU if he even lived that long. He would have had a tube down his throat to help him breathe. Then the chances that he would have done well were almost nothing so we would have had to make a choice to turn off his life support. As hard as it was to lose him I know that God made the choice for us so that we didn't have to. He is at peace now and we will have the memories of a perfect looking little boy. We don't think that we will ever have another but I won't say that it for sure yet. At this point I am just way to scared to ever do this again yet I feel like I never got to experience a "normal" pregnancy where you feel your child move and kick. With Lauren I never did partly because of where the placenta was a because she didn't move much except for seizures. Shane very rarely if ever moved because of the low fluid. Maybe one day I will get to experience it maybe not.

RIP my sweet baby

Shane Alexander Miller was born still into the arms of God. 9:08am on Jan 12 2011. He weighed just over 9oz. His hands and feet looked so big and were so perfect. he was adorable but so small. We had a wonderful photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come and take some wonderful pictures. We will get them in a few weeks. We also got a wonderful memory box that we aren't sure everything that is inside and we aren't ready to open yet.
I was induced starting at 8pm on Monday and after 6 doses of the pill the contractions weren't really doing anything. It is unheard of to make it to 6 doses which is the max. They then started the oxy where the max dose is 20 units and I got there as well. My body didn't want to let go. I only had to dilate to 5cm and my body didn't want to cooperate. After 36 hour of labour he was finally born. I did take lots of meds that i am not used to so I still feel weird but I was thankful for them at the time. Now we are home and have to go to the funeral home but we are just having family time for a while.

Good news/ Bad news?

Well I was going to post this morning that I had felt him moving this weekend so I was happy. I have my ultrasound booked for Thursday to check and see if he had grown and hopefully get to keep him inside me for a little longer. We do meet with the NICU team that day as well to let us know what we are in for. They will go over all the days that he could be delivered and what that means and what surgeries he may have. They will basically get us prepared for what we will see and what to expect.
Then comes the bad news. This morning I woke up to pee and was hoping to just see the little spotting that I had been having. I was wrong. Back to bright red blood and passed 4 huge clots of tissue and blood. This can't be a good sign at all. I haven't been feeling any cramping or contractions or anything but I figure that if I can pass clots then my cervix must be open. The bleeding is now back to heavy again. I will call my OB when she opens and see if I can get in to see her today. I have a funny feeling that there will be no heartbeat on the ultrasound machine. I really didn't want to lose my son and really didn't' want to this way. I wanted to give him the best chance possible to survive this. I am not sure where this path I have been given is going to take me. I don't know what is in it for him at this point. I am praying that he is still with us and that he is doing okay but I am trying to be realistic as well. Why does this stuff always happen when Tony is at work and i can't get a hold of him.

No news

Well here I sit at 22 weeks 1day and just don't know what is going to happen. I haven't felt him move in over a day now although when he does move it can be missed easily as there is very little fluid. I have tried and tried to find his heartbeat on the doppler but Lauren doesn't let me most of the time and she just rips it away and I can't leave her alone for more than 5 minutes to try it in private. THe bleeding has gone to almost minimal which at first I thought was a good thing for him. Now I am terrified that I can't hear the heartbeat and the reason the bleeding has almost stopped is that he is gone and of course the placenta would stop supplying blood to him so it would also stop bleeding. I can't get in to see my OB till next wednesday and she has a small ultrasound machine in her office that she could check for a heartbeat on. I don't get my detailed ultrasound for at least a week but everytime I call to try and figure out when the appointment will be I get trasferred around and then I get told I will get a phone call and never hear anything.
So needless to say I am scared and unsure of what is to come. I really don't want to lose my son. I have always wanted 2 kids and this is it for us. We will not have another one no matter what happens. THis was supposed to be an easy pregnancy and with him not having what Lauren has he was going to be nice and healthy. I am mad that this happened and scared that he really is gone. How do I go on I just don't know.