Pet Peeve

I don't know why this bothers me so much but it does. Losing Shane was not a miscarriage. He was a stillborn. There is a difference and for some reason it bothers me when people say that it is sad I have had 2 miscarriages. When I miscarried I had to have surgery and it was hard and had cramping and it was sad. I am still saddened by it. This was completely different. I carried my son past the half way point in my pregnancy. I knew he was a little boy and I had seen him on numerous ultrasounds. I had felt him move and kick inside me. When he was gone I had to go through 36 hours of labour and deliver him. I had to fill out a certificate of stillborn death. I had to go to a funeral home and decide if I wanted burial or cremation or if I wanted a service for him. I wish that I never knew the difference between the 2 but now I do I want it to be called what it was. My son was born still. Part of me wishes it didn't end this way. I wish I could have held him breathing even for a short time. Although we would have had the follow up ultrasound on Thursday and we would have been told that he hadn't grown. I would not have terminated so I would have had to have him by csection and then he would have gone to the NICU if he even lived that long. He would have had a tube down his throat to help him breathe. Then the chances that he would have done well were almost nothing so we would have had to make a choice to turn off his life support. As hard as it was to lose him I know that God made the choice for us so that we didn't have to. He is at peace now and we will have the memories of a perfect looking little boy. We don't think that we will ever have another but I won't say that it for sure yet. At this point I am just way to scared to ever do this again yet I feel like I never got to experience a "normal" pregnancy where you feel your child move and kick. With Lauren I never did partly because of where the placenta was a because she didn't move much except for seizures. Shane very rarely if ever moved because of the low fluid. Maybe one day I will get to experience it maybe not.