Dos and Don'ts

I just thought this would be a good post to do that others could use. This will work for miscarriages and stillborns.

Don't:

Tell the parents that at least they can get pregnant - That is nice but unless I can carry the child to term it doesn't do much good.

Tell them that at least they have a wonderful child already. Yes I do thanks I am happy I have her but I did want my son as well.

Stop calling and seeing how they are doing. The worst thing is having friends abandon you when you could really need them.

Pretend nothing happened. If when you ask questions they say they don't want to talk then fine but don't change the subject when they do talk about it.

Don't ask them why they would have named the child since they weren't going to live. I happen to think of my son as my child and he had a name. I had to fill in a death certificate for him and it asked for his name. He is registered as a person albeit a stillborn person but still a person.

Don't say that a D&C would have been better so that I didn't have to go through labour. First unless you know what you are talking about keep your mouth shut. A D&C done on a baby at 23 weeks means that they go in and cut it up to remove it. How is that better in anyway. Yes he was dead but I didn't want him cut up.

Don't tell them to remove the pictures that they have of the child that are up in their own home. How dare you tell me that I can't have pictures of my son in my house. If you don't like it then don't look. I don't have them out noticeable but I do have them for me.

Don't tell her to 'not let this get you down' about trying again. You have no idea what it is like to lose a child so you don't know how much this affects you.

Don't have the first thing out of your mouth 'when are you trying again' Give them time to grieve the loss of this child, to get themselves back to normal. Actually never ask this. You don't know all the background. Maybe they can't try again. Maybe there is more to it. This shouldn't actually be asked to anyone ever. What if the person can't have kids and it brings up bad memories. Unless you are the person carrying the egg or the person with the sperm you are not allowed to ask this.

Do

Send a card if you wish. They actually make ones for situations like this which is sad but they are out there.

Send a message letting them know that you are thinking of them, Give them time to respond though.

Ask questions, not just how they are doing, but what the name was, how big was the child, who did s/he look like.

Take meals, no one feels like eating or cooking but if the food is there it is easy.

Do let them vent if they need to and just listen. Unless you have been through it you don't understand some of the frustration that is building up. Anger is part of the grief process.

Do ask to see the pictures if there is any if you want. But make sure you really want to see them. Not all of them will look like a 'sleeping baby' It will depend on how old or how long the baby has been gone. Shane looked pretty good to us but he was our son. He had passed away a few days before he was delivered so he was 'wrinkly'

Do remember that although there isn't a baby at home the mother went through labour and delivery. She may still have her milk come in and go through the same thing a mother would that is bringing her baby home with her.


Hopefully this helps a bit and if anyone has anything to add please do. I had wonderful gifts given to us although I didn't actually expect anything for a loss of a child. Food brought over, a plant from a high school friend, he thought that I could plant it after so that I can use it as a memory. A gift card to get out for dinner to help with trying to be normal, it was a nice thing to do as a family without stress of what was happening. I also got some wonderful cards that meant a lot. A group of women that I had never met but were part of my April moms group on WTE got a star in Shane's name. The star is registered and everything so if someone finds it and looks it up it is called Shane Alexander. I can always look up at it and know he is there. It is on the big dipper so it is easy for me to find. These little things helped. The emails from people just letting me know that they were thinking of me we wonderful as well.

I also unfortunately had people do a lot of the don'ts and that hurt but maybe one day they will learn. Some of them just didn't know any better and some just don't care and don't think before talking. If you haven't been through it then think before talking first and please don't think you have any clue what a grieving parent is going through if it is a miscarriage or a stillborn.